she woke up with a sticky ear
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
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You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
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Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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