I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I can't put those talents on a resume
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
