i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
