Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
