I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
My balls are so social today.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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