Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
