if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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