whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
jump out the window naked night went bad
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
