I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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