If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
