I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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