is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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