What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
