did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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