I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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