well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
