Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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