So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
