Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
