My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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