Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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