Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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