The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I wear drunk well.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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