I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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