I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
