Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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