Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
