During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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