Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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