Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
