He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
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I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
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I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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