How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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