how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
