So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I deserve this hangover.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
