im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
