allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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