like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
