i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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