he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
pray to the hookup gods
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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