I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
