my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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