No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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