he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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