If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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