I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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