Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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