Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
