dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
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Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
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