So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
