I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
40s are totally the cure
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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