I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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