he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
