I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
