Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
