this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
