I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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