you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
