Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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