4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
