How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
