my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
